The Day I Told My Daughter NOT to be a Teacher...

For the last couple months Merrie's occupation of choice has been "a teacher, like Mommy".  She goes around the room pretending to be at work, teaching her toys about letters, counting and even how to put a puzzle together.

But she is also pretending to be at home, still busy working on her computer and will say, "in a minute, I need to put in grades" or "sorry honey, I can't play right now, I need to work."

I didn't realize how much of work I brought home with me - until now.  I wear many hats at work and have lots of responsibility.  I also work best under stress - so I rarely say "no" when asked to do something.  Even today, I'm writing this knowing I need to finishing putting grades into the online parent gradebook (they are already in my excel file, which took me 3 hours to do this afternoon at work, because I had to get each high school students' scores individually).  I also need to update my classroom website which is constantly checked by parents, I need to figure out how I'm going to meet with the students who didn't master the last 3 tests, I need to work on accreditation stuff so I don't get behind on that, I need to watch the lessons for my high schoolers so they can learn content from a physical teacher instead of through the computer, I need to create lessons for the next topic I'm teaching to my middle schoolers...this is normal - this is my every weekend.

When I realized I wanted to be a teacher, way back in 2nd grade, it seemed magical.  Like I was going to save the world, one kid at a time.  I still feel like that, every day...and maybe that's the problem.  Am I so dedicated to my job - it has come at the expense of my family?  I should have learned this lesson when Thomas and I separated back in 2010 and when we moved in 2014 so I could "spend more time at home".  His main concern was that we never talked and I spent too much time working.  My original excuse was that I was a new teacher - but I don't have that excuse anymore...so what is it now?

There has to be a way to consolidate the expectations of my parents, administrators and students and meet all of their demands - while at the same time meeting the needs of my family and not losing them in the process.  But it's crazy hard and honestly - what I'm just now realizing - not something I want for my daughter to experience.

Parents have expectations of me - they want updated grades so they can see how their child is progressing, they want an updated website so they can support me at home, they want current behavior reports for their child so they know what to address at home.  All of those things are understandable and realistic expectations.

Students have expectations of me - they want updated grades so they know what to work on, they need homework to practice what was learned in class.  They need these things and it should be expected.

My administrators have expectations of me - they want updated lesson plans and activities that relate to the standards.  They want documentation that I am addressing the students who need help and extra support.

So where do you cut the cord?  Do you disappoint parents - so that they share with the world their displeasure at your "incompetence" as seems to be the trend with the multitude of viral posts out there...  Do you let down admin - at the expense of losing your job??  I refuse to slack at the students' expense...

It seems, that my family has been the cord I have cut - which should also be unacceptable...

So, today, when Merrie was pretending to be a "teacher", I sat down with her and explained that Mommy has a job that she loves and is helping so many other kids - but that she and Micah are my babies, and they and Daddy come before anyone else.  Always.

Which is something I've struggled with and I don't want her to struggle with it.  So, being a teacher is a great job and deserves respect, but family is more important and should always come first.  At the expense of anything job related...even if it means putting some things on the back burner or finding a job that is strictly 9-5.

She just looked at me with those big blues eyes and said, "Oh, I know Honey, I know you love me and I know you love your kids - this is just pretend." and went back to playing school.

Maybe one day, I'll find a balance, but right now, when she's up - no computer, no grading, no work...just Merrie and Micah and Daddy.  God first - Family Second - Work Third.  Always.  That is what I want her to remember, not the Mommy who was on the computer all the time.

First Full Day Back :)

Made it the full day today, but will definitely have to go back in this weekend to have everything ready for Tuesday.  There is a lot of stuff I need to sort through and my room definitely needs a face lift.  I found piles of papers all over my room, and because they may be student work I don't want to throw them away.  I may just make a huge pile and go through it as I have time.  My tables need to be cleaned/wiped down with a very good spray and my white boards need a good cleaning.

I do however, know where my kids are in each subject and where I need to start Tuesday.  For the most part, they are just a bit behind where I wanted.  Whenever there is a substitute there is always a margin of error that increases the longer you are gone.  I don't think they're knowledge level decreased which is good My boss also has allowed my kids to take their recess between math and reading with our instructional assistant, instead of right before lunch, so I have a break in the middle of the morning to pump.  There is definitely more support here for my desire to feed Micah naturally, than I had in Douglas - BY FAR.  It's a nice change.

I've added three plastic containers, a filing cabinet and a mini-fridge to my room.  I'm also revamping my behavior management system (think clothes pins and colors) and my literature circles per my master's theses.  I can't wait to explain the great mechanics of master's courses to my kids (haha) and I am most excited for the mini-fridge in my room.  I am also happy to see my kids again too...

Thomas, Merrie and Micah made it through the day great.  Micah is taking bottles really slow, but he's taking them and still nursing great.  We are giving him 4 oz. bottles, which he's taking about every 3 hours.  They're on a slow drip (which contributes to his taking longer to drink them) and he likes to fall asleep while eating too.  Today, Thomas said he barely slept.  I got home, nursed him for about five minutes around 6 and he's been asleep ever since...figures :)  Hopefully we'll still get some sleep tonight!

Merrie has been AMAZING helping Thomas out.  When he needs to go outside Thomas sets the bouncer up by the door and Merrie watches Micah.  She puts his blanket back up if it falls down and she's become a master at giving him his pacifier.  Thankfully, she knows if he's sleeping and pushes it out not to give it back to him. She also hasn't been giving Thomas as much trouble pushing his buttons as normal, which helps my stress level too.

Micah seems to be treating the pacifier like Merrie did.  He'll take it, but he tends to spit it out and is still okay.  It just calms him down.  Hopefully in about a month we'll be done with it.  We failed Merrie with her thumb, so we're glad that, so far, Micah hasn't found his yet either - that might contribute to a bit longer time with the pacifier though...we'll see.

We've also found that Micah is much more dependent on us than Merrie was at this age.  He DOES NOT like to be put down.  Merrie was good chilling in the bouncer forever.  I think this is just a personality difference.  Hopefully, he'll grow to be more independent as he gets older.

Another funny thing we've noticed is that Micah is also not fond of ANY poop in his diaper.  Today, Thomas said he was screaming and he didn't want to bottle and didn't want to rock.  So Thomas took his diaper off, with what he said was just a "speck" of poop, and then put the same diaper right back on...and he quieted down right away.

In all, today was very busy and I'm very tired - but it was educational and looks like the kids at least are ready for me to go back to work.  I however, really am not ready to leave my babies.  But it is what it is!

For the record, a full day is from 7:30 to 4:30...

I JUST had a baby!

I don't know how many different personality tests I've taken over the years, hundreds probably, but they all say pretty much the same thing...I am a people pleaser - I do everything possible to make those around me happy, often at my own expensive (I have a hard time saying "no").  I also don't take failure well and hate receiving gifts/compliments in front of a lot of people.

One of the side effects to this particular personality trait (along with not being able to say no) is that I have a hard time relaxing, especially when I have extended time off of work.  So, over the last 6 weeks, I've found myself working more often than I probably should be.  Whether it's lesson planning or filling out forms for something needed at school - teachers do most of their work away from school.  I haven't been sleeping enough, I've been stressing about making sure I get things done and see people and get Christmas/birthday presents/cards sent out and disappointing people because I'm not able to go to something because all I want to do is sleep and making sure everyone in my little family is happy too.  I've also been worrying about my supply once I go back to work and whether or not I'll be able to pump at work - which is probably my biggest fear right now.

I read an article today about how I need to sit back and remember that I just went through a pretty traumatic experience and need to give myself time to recover - everything else can wait.  So, although I only have a couple days left of my maternity leave, I am going to do just that.  Until Wednesday I am not
> Going to stress about making other people happy
> Going to work on ANYTHING work related
> Going to answer ANY emails or texts from work
> Going to stress about what other people think about ANYTHING
> Going to worry about losing my supply or having to struggle to find time to pump

I know I only have a few days left before I go back to work, but maybe they will be more relaxing than the last several weeks have been.  I've got to remember to take care of myself too!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashlee-gadd/you-just-had-a-baby_b_6439326.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037